Believers Hate Him!! Here's One Neat Trick to Get Into Heaven After the Rapture!!

by Erica Kim 

Did you get left behind on the day of reckoning? Did your roommate who leaves dirty dishes in the sink for a month reach Salvation instead of you? Do you feel like you’re shit out of luck, and now you’ve got to spend the rest of eternity getting chewed up by a half-frozen Lucifer? Fear not, my friend! There’s an easy way to squirm your way past the pearly gates, and well, let’s just say that Martin Luther doesn’t want you to know about this one viral hack. 

While it may be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, you should absolutely seize this golden opportunity. Gone are the days of heathen celebrity boycrushes dragging you through literal Hell with my patented Post-Rapture Actions for Your Expedited Rising (PRAYER™) service. Thanks to PRAYER™, 600 sinners have gotten into the good place with no strings attached. Murderers, tax evaders, League of Legends players, Popes, you name it! I can bypass Purgatory’s firewall with ease, and I’ve earned myself 5,000 years in the burning graves of Dis to prove it. 

And the best part? It’s just a single click away! All you have to do is sell all of your worldly possessions on Facebook marketplace and wire your funds directly to my bank account (SWIFT banking code: IOPRVAVX1453). After a short conversation between me and the man upstairs, your sins will be fully forgiven. No parasocial dead girlfriend needed! Make your journey to Heaven that much smoother today with a small donation of your entire life savings. Just remember: a little bit of PRAYER™ can go a long way!