Dr. Gags
Dear Dr. Gags,
I love walking in the arb. I speak for the trees. But one day I was walking and I came across this cute little weasel so I took it home with me and made him my pet. His name is Larry and he sits in my closet where I have also made a litterbox for him. He doesn’t do much besides speed around my room and eat my hair gel but he's really cute. Anyways my boyfriend came over to meet him for the first time, and us two have this ritual where he likes to twirl my hair around his dick like a curling iron, so we did that and were about to have sex when Larry jumped up on the bed and took a chomp out of my boyfriend’s dick! I don’t know what to do. It seems that I may have to choose between my sweet little Larry or my traumatized boyfriend. Is it bad that I’m factoring into the equation the fact that my boyf’s dick is now 2 inches shorter? Help!
Sincerely,
Rubinonma Hemmroids
My darling Rubinonma,
I too have been in your situation. I used to have this dog named Kinki and he loooooovved the taste of human flesh. I also think that human flesh from erotic places definitely tastes better than stuff straight off the bone. Ya know? So I empathized with him, but also I couldn’t have him driving away all my D and P appointments. The trick is to outsource so that the weasel won’t eat your boyfriend– I recommend this guy in downtown Cleveland, the absolute head of the non-gmo cow testicle trade. Just buy some prairie oysters for old Larry and then your boyfriend will see how sweet the weasel can be when he’s not hungry! Just like men. You feed ‘em and they’re just little ickle munchkins! Awww. I want some donuts. You ever had those munchkin donuts from Dunkin? They’re like balls if balls were in a real or cake video. Ha! Delish.
XOXO,
Gaggi
Dear Dr. Gags,
So, I like to have a zyn in my mouth when I’m having sex. Who doesn’t, am I right? It’s like a secret kick in my upper decky gum spot, and I swear that rush helps me orgasm. Plus like, it’s less obvious than hitting a vape while someone hits it from the back, if you know what I mean. So anyways, I always zyn during sex. But I was eating this girl out the other day, zyn in, and after she finished I realized the zyn wasn’t in my mouth anymore. My tongue just tasted like pussy, not wintergreen fresh pussy. I was too embarrassed to reveal my nicotine addiction in the heat of the moment, and then she ended things with me the next day. I’m torn between not wanting to reach out, but also feeling like, ethically, I should let her know she has a zyn floating in her uterus somewhere. What should I do??? HELP!
Best,
Sharti Pandies
Oh sweet Sharti,
Haven’t we all been there before!! Hell, I had a fully rolled spliff stuck in my vag for a few years, and honestly those were the best damn years of my life. I’m sure this girl is getting a next level nicotine buzz every waking moment of her day. So hey, don’t be too hard on yourself– if anything, you did her a favor! She’ll probably remember that as the best head of her life. Think about those dopamine pathways, babe. In fact, I miss my vagina spliff. I was so much calmer back then, I even cancelled my xanax prescription for a week or two! Maybe I’ll stick some zyns up my cooch too. Yer a prophet!
Buzzing with love,
Gags
P.S. Actually, would ya be down to start a business venture with me? I’m thinking of the lucrative enterprise which could be Tampotine ™, Nicotine tampons. We could make millions……………..okay? Let me know by 6pm EST.
