REQUIRED: Internship+ Digital Portfolio Due September 12th
by Marco Fuortes, Contributor
“Yeah, I’m interning at Clitcoin this summer. We’re kinda revolutionizing the romantic navigation and payment processing industry. Think of it as a cross between Hinge, Venmo, and the MTA app. And it’s built on web3. We’re a16z backed.”
“I don’t think I’ve heard of that. It sounds lame. Can I get you anything else?”
“a16z? They’re just, like, the biggest venture capital firm in the world. They put a lot of money into crypto and blockchain ventures. They’re pioneers of the web3 space,” I explained to the Equinox smoothie bartender.
“I’m sure they are. Listen, I’ve heard your shtick a hundred times over from people that look just like you. Now please, you’re holding up the line.”
I was pissed that she wouldn’t hear me out about my internship, but the smoothies really are bomb-dot-com, so I decided to forgive her. I grabbed a Clitcoin-comped chia seed jelly pack and headed back to the office.
Full-time employees get a paycheck electronically deposited every two weeks. Interns get paid every hour, on the hour, in person. The office has one of those conveyor belt sushi contraptions that sends cash to our desks, and unlocks with speaker recognition identification software. The MBA interns get two twenty dollar bills. I get twelve singles and a voucher for 250 Clitcoin (roughly 87 cents, but it fluctuates).
"Release payment," I have to shout. If I miss it, I miss it. The software only recognizes my voice like 60% of the time. It’s very frustrating. Whenever I miss a payment, the high school intern sitting across from me announces, “Oh hell nah. Another one! He’s gonna crash out again,” and cackles to himself. I have to go to the bathroom and scream into a wad of toilet paper to calm myself down. Two weeks ago, they started delivering everyone's paychecks in quarters. Last Monday, they put a gumball machine in the office.
This Monday, the office received three large packages through the service elevator. The first: a BradyPrinter S3100 Sign and Label Printer with Workstation Safety and Facility ID Software Now Available for $1,899.00. The second and third: two new gumball machines, full of gumballs embossed with the Clitcoin logo. One was placed directly in front of the elevator, with the freshly printed label, “65MG CAFFEINE, COFFEE FLAVOR.” The other was placed between the men's and women’s bathrooms—also freshly labeled, this one with “3MG NICOTINE, MENTHOL FLAVOR.”
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Good afternoon Clitcoin family!
I understand that there have been some concerns about our quarter-ly (haha!) payment restructuring. Our HR intern has spent the entire week replying to your mass of emails. I want to raise awareness to the fact that he has put down at least eight of the nicotine gumballs since lunch. His hands are shaking and I suspect that he’s vomited. Perhaps twice. CLEARLY he is stressed out by the sheer volume of your emails, and uses psychotropic substances as a coping mechanism, as is, as I’ve researched, common amongst those in Fast Paced Work Environments. God forbid we try to do one fucking nice thing around the office. The gumball machines don’t even work without quarters, so excuuuuse us for trying to be proactive. I’ll have you know that the keyloggers on your company laptops report an actions-per-minute increase of 204%. Which, as far as productivity goes, we desperately fucking need right now, given that Clitcoin has felt more and more like Shitcoin ever since Q2. Maybe if we had installed a fucking espresso martini gumball machine instead, some of you might start exhibiting some workplace cheer for once. Oh, you think I don’t check the company card? $451.21 at Superbueno? At 4pm on a Wednesday? Who do you think had to explain that at the investor’s meeting? “Client outreach expense” my ass. Go fuck yourselves. All of you. Well, in any event, we’re sorry to hear about your concerns. But we must insist that the gumballs provide real value. Please refrain from further correspondence regarding this matter.
Best,
Phalange McLitt, Clitcoin Founder/CEO/Visionary
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We’re now two months post-gumball, and Clitcoin is doing better than ever. OpsCo mentioned the APM increase at an investor meeting, and the board really bought it. The paycheck conveyor belt now comes around with a mini machine, and a bunch of new flavors. Espresso martini gumball machines got shipped in as well. There’s one in the break room that unlocks at exactly 7:17pm. It’s the mathematically optimal timestamp to keep employees in the office. Bathroom attendants hand you a coffee gumball as you walk into a stall, and a nicotine gumball as you walk out. They take tips but will politely decline denominations of currency greater than twenty five cents.
“And yeah, sure, the stimulant assisted productivity boost was great, but Gumcoin was defo the most successful venture for the company. It’s an NFT collectible that you can add to your digital portfolio. Each Gumcoin is worth exactly one quarter and does not fluctuate. Genius. Anyway, I’m super grateful for the experience. And to think that it was only possible with the financial help of Internship+. I owe it all to the CED.”
“That's cool. So do you want to come home with me or not? If I don’t get out of the Hark basement right this instant I’m gonna have a conniption.”
I pat my ass for a feel of my back pocket. I’m all out of Honey Flavored Sildenafil/Taladifil Male Virility Enhancing gumballs. My dopamine regulation has been shot ever since I tapped into the levomethamphetamine supply.
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[DISCLAIMER]: This article is the direct result of a paid partnership between the Oberlin Grape (OG), the office of Career Exploration and Development (CED), and the Digication Learning Platform ePortfolio and Assessment Management System™ (DLPePAMS™) in pari delicto. Visit the Oberlin College website to learn more about how you can upgrade your summer experience with Internship+ funding. And for your next ePortfolio™ or Assessment Management System™, make sure to Do It Right with Digication.
