Horoscope
by Xander Mroczek, Contributor
Aries
Your day will be good.
Taurus
You will make a new friend.
Gemini
Love is closer than you think.
Cancer
Your day will also be good.
Leo
I have a friend named Leo. Nice guy.
Virgo
You wake up. It feels like any other day. Except it won't be. You are in for the ride of your life. You look out the window and immediately see your entire neighborhood on fire, dragons flying everywhere, goblins sieging the local library, and orcs stomping on the playground equipment. One of them spots you and starts rushing your house full speed. You hear a voice in the corner of your room. “Come, you'll be safe in here!” You turn around to see a little wizard and a blue portal in your closet. You don't second guess it, you run straight in. You find yourself in an abandoned library, with shelves that stretch to the skies. The wizard speaks. “My name is Gorgomon the Wise. Vecna has released a curse on your town. The only way to break it is to find the hallowed orb and crush it! Rumor has it that it's below the bakery. Are you in?” You nod your head yes, ready for the adventure of a lifetime. You get suited up in armor and a sword and rush outside the library, hacking goblins and slashing orcs left and right. You're pretty good at this. A dragon roars and starts flapping its wings towards you. You think quickly though. You do a 720 triple backflip off a lamppost, grabbing Gorgomon on your way up. You land directly on the dragon's back, grab its horns and start steering it towards the bakery. Right before you get there you do a 360 vertical twist maneuver off the dragon landing into a dumpster, with Gorgomon falling in shortly after. You've made it. You enter the bakery and see the hallowed orb in front of you. You grab it, its power pulsing through you. Suddenly you hear a voice. “I'll be taking that.” You turn around. Gorgomon is standing there, an evil expression on his face, a spell readied and aimed at you. “Whoever has that orb will rule over this land, and that SHALL BE ME!” He shoots a fireball at you. You dodge. You rush him with your sword, but he keeps blocking your attacks! That's when you get an idea - an idea so crazy it just might work. You pull your arm back and hurl the orb at Gorgomon with all your might. The orb makes direct contact with his head and shatters on impact, and Gorgomon is reduced to dust! The town goes back to normal and eventually rebuilds, but you are forever known as their savior.
Libra
You'll find like, a dollar, or something.
Scorpio
Scorpions are scary. My mom got attacked by one once and now she's dead.
Saggitarius
I don't know.
Capricorn
Call your mom. Make sure she's not fallen victim to a scorpion attack.
Aquarius
Appreciate something today. Possibly your mom.
Pisces
08/13/34 - You'll see.
