Open Letter to Britain

By Naiya Patel-Kapka, Editor in Chief

Hello British Empire,

All of us who have been plundered by your colonialism kindly request that you return the items you have stolen from each of our countries. If you don’t, we will curse you with bad weather, pasty skin, and intolerable food….oh wait…

To America:

United national identity 

Good cigarettes (throw in some of those shocking warning images too)

The transatlantic accent (we know you took it we just can’t prove it)

To India:

Chicken tikka masala (Britain, it's CRAZY that this is your national dish. Notice how no one stole bangers and mash from you guys and made it their national food? Yeah. Thought so.)

Dev Patel 

My great grandpa’s Nissan Rogue (he always said you took it and Indian people don’t lie) 

To Ireland:

Shamrocks (and four leaf clovers) (and good luck)

Splitting the G (we KNOW Britain is behind the faddification of this holy tradition)

Gingers and redheads 

To Greece:

Bisexual men (the fun ones who wrote poetry)

Magic

Odysseus (yeah, sure he “died”– we all know you have him locked up in the Tower of London)

To Egypt:

Cleopatra’s mummified snake (her death was a set up by the Brits)

Sand (we know your soldiers stole some to make those “beaches” you have up there on your little gray island)

Jolly ranchers   

You can keep: Ellen Degeneres, opiates, “Chinese food” 

Sincerely,

USA, India, Ireland, Greece, and Egypt

Cosigned by China