Message from Mother Nature

by Xander Mroczek, Contributor

Illustration by Hero Duenyas, Contributor

Dear Oberlin students and faculty,

LMFAOOOOO YOU THOUGHT!!!! I bet you enjoyed that WHOLE WEEK of warm weather huh? Was it pleasant to hear the birds chirping? Did you like not having to bundle up to step outside? WELL TOO BAD LMAOOOOO!!! Take those boots RIGHT back out of your closet because you are DEFINITELY going to need them. Punxsutawney Phil was absolutely SPOT ON with his guess because (fun fact) he is actually Prometheus in mortal form. 

As a matter of fact, because I slipped up and gave you that little week of warmth, I am going to be extending the winter weather by 18 WEEKS with about 8 SNOWSTORMS on the days that are most inconvenient for you. There will be ZERO DAYS where the temperature is above 10 degrees and scientists will be calling Oberlin a WEATHER ANOMALY because of how COLD I AM GOING TO MAKE IT. OR MAYBE NOT MAYBE I CHANGED MY MIND BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU IDK LOOK OUTSIDE SEE WHATS GOING ON OUT THERE WHO KNOWS???? 

But one thing I CAN assure you is rain. I am talking FLOODS and FLOODS of STINKY SMELLY RAINWATER. The puddles will be ASTRONOMICAL!! YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO BUILD ANOTHER ARK!!! CALL UP NOAH!!! Just you wait. Just.. you.. wait.

You will NEVER have nice weather in late February or March. OR EVER!!! FUCK YOU OBERLIN!!!! ROFL ROFL ROFL

Love,

Mother Nature