You Know What Time It Fucking Is. Sex Love Friendship The Grape!!!!!
F4NB: Hottie writing history thesis on Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky
I know I was super critical during our first peer review last week but I actually really liked the six-page, syllable-by-syllable, auditory, and linguistic analysis of Bill Clinton saying “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” especially the comparative reading you conducted with the infamous Shane Dawson video where he says, “I did NOT fuck my cat. I did not have SEX with my CAT.” I think if you work late-2010s–early 2020s YouTube scandals into your main argument more, it could be groundbreaking for the field. If you want me to expand on this, we should do a one-on-one workshop over Tank dinner next time I headcook. I make a mean chili! And I give really good head as well. Perhaps you might consider some field research: having sexual relations with this woman (me).
To the situationist linebacker who always takes my favorite Mudd 1 pod
I don’t play about the first Mudd pod coming in from the front door. It’s the purple and blue one, the one with the best lighting. You know it, you want it, but I’m always there. I get to Mudd at 8am just to secure my pod. This gets me locked in—Adderall-free, no less!—for three solid hours before my 11am…or it did, until you got the same idea. The first time I saw you’d taken my beloved pod, you were reading The Society of the Spectacle. Your massive biceps flexed ever so slightly as you turned the page before looking up at me. Our eyes met for a moment I just can’t stop thinking about. I hadn’t ever realized jocks could be intellectuals; I almost didn’t believe what I had seen. But then, the next day you made me realize just how prejudiced I’ve been all along when I saw you reading The Revolution of Everyday Life. Maybe losing my pod was karma. If you see this and forgive me…could I take a seat? DM me on Insta and LMK: @buttsmasher29
M4F: Girl wearing Geese T-shirt waiting for her Rat order
I asked you to name three songs and you named five—you impressed me. Before I could finish asking if you’ve listened to Cameron Winter’s solo stuff, your friend whisked you away and glared at me like some kind of freak. I just want to understand: did she think I was trying to say I need your feet more than you do? I’m not into feet like that. You’re also really not my type, facially speaking. Your jawline is a little weak for my tastes. But love does take miles, so…
NEED BASSIST FOR RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS COVER BAND NEXT SEMESTER [URGENT]
I’m a senior with a baritone that various individuals have called “breathtaking” and the best guitar skills in the Creative Writing department. My drummer friend and I have applied for Coverband every single semester we’ve been here. We get rejected every time. Every. Single. Time. I think the reason we always get rejected is that we never have a bassist. I know that the elitists at this school think that Red Hot Chili Peppers is nothing more than “Shit Ass Butt Rock,” but if we have a bassist I bet we can win those WOBC guys over. Also our drummer is a girl.
I have already resigned myself to the fact that my Bachelor of Arts in English from Oberlin College is highly unlikely to get me a job that will deliver me a positive return on investment. This is truly all I want from my Oberlin experience at this point. Genuinely, my massive student loan debt will literally be worth nothing at all, NOTHING, if I don’t do this before graduation. IT’S FINE IF YOU CAN’T SLAP. I DON’T EVEN CARE. WE DON’T HAVE TO PLAY “DON’T STOP.” ALL I’VE EVER WANTED IS TO PERFORM “CALIFORNICATION” AT THE ’SCO. LIKE SINCE I WAS BORN. YES, SPECIFICALLY THE ’SCO. I JUST KNEW. EVERYONE WILL LOVE IT. EVERYONE WILL LOVE US. EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU. I WILL GIVE YOU THE REMAINING $125 PRESENTLY IN MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND THEN $2–5 (DEPENDING ON MY INCOME) FROM EVERY APPLEBEE’S PAYCHECK I RECEIVE FOR THE REST OF MY MISERABLE DIRECTIONLESS LIFE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
