Dear Dr. Gags,
I am so confused! Let me pose the situation as such: If you were throwing a party, you’d invite guests who you want in your home, correct? Well, I threw an orgy, and it had an exclusive guest list. It was so fun! I invited all my crushes and friends and we squirted the night away. But then, somehow word got out about what went on, and suddenly people are pissed off at me for not inviting them. Why are they so upset? I didn’t want them in my puss, but it doesn’t mean they’re ugly, even though I find them ugly. What can I do to regain my popularity?
Best,
Glumpa Bhedwëtter
Darling Glumpa,
I’ve been in your shoes before, and lemme tell ya, those shoes are covered in dog shit! Those shoes stank, honey! I too had an exclusive orgy, and didn’t invite a few of my friends because I didn’t want to see them naked. They got so mad, they put Nair in my underwear! Call me Jesus, ’cause I had a burning bush. Crazy bastards! But I didn’t let them get to me. The whole thing inspired them to throw their own orgies, and I continued throwing mine. Since they looked like they copied me, I regained my popularity, and they fell down into irrelevancy without my friendship. You should only ever be friends with hot people anyways! I suggest you take that advice, old gal.
Luv ya,
Gaggi
Dear Dr. Gagatha McCreampie,
I fear that my penis is stuck in a knot, and I don’t know how to loosen it. I was pooing yesterday, you see, and my dick is so long it was just dangling into that toilet, which was super gross—so I tied it up in a knot the way that girls do with their hair. I finished pooing in peace (it was a good poop) but when I finished wiping and tried to untie my peen, it was stuck! This was no big deal at first, and I figured it would come undone while I slept. But when I woke up with morning wood the pain was excruciating! It expanded in that knot, and now it’s really stuck! You gotta help me, Gags. I have a date this weekend!
Pleadingly,
Tinichode Gunk
My sweet Tini,
Honey, you can call me Gags! No need for that formal stuff. I’m not a real therapist anyways, but don’t tell anyone that! Anyways, have ya tried loosening it with lube? Or butter? Or canola oil? If it still doesn’t come undone after that, then here’s what you gotta do. Go to Lupitas, ask for two mango frozen margs, then bring those to the basement of the establishment. There you will find my friend Katrinka! She will drink both margs successively, and give you advice. Not advice on how to undo yer peen, just standard life advice. She’ll also read your birth chart and tell you the things you’re worst at in life! Such a great gal. But after the advice, tell her what’s going on with yer peen, and she’ll cast a spell on it to come undone. You can also buy trail mix from her and I get a commission!
XOXOX,
Gags
