by Naiya Patel-Kapka, Editor-in-Chief
We all remember the 2016 killer clown epidemic: it terrorized our little middle schooler minds and made our parents call us like 40 times while we were out trick or treating. Unfortunately, I was only given the chance to meet the men and women behind the masks relatively recently. And I must say, they really killed me—with kindness! So now, in a never-before-seen interview, you get to meet them too.
What was the motive behind dressing up as clowns and luring children into the woods?
Jingles: Children and I have never really gotten along. Wasn’t gonna hurt ‘em though! Obviously! My lawyer isn’t very good, so I’d never want to go to court.
Kippy: A little kid squeezed my nose too hard at a birthday party.
Bob: Well, for me it was a political statement. It was an allegory for Trump leading Americans into a dark place by promising small rewards.
Did you guys know each other beforehand, or did you bond over doing joint attacks?
Jingles: Me and Kippy go way back! We were roommates in clown school. She taught me how to put razorblades in candy. Wait, this is off the record, right?
Kippy: I knew Jingles since adolescence but he doesn’t take clownery seriously, so I had to drop him for professional reasons.
Bob: The “attacks” were not real attacks! It was performance art. And through that art I bonded spiritually with Kip and Jingles, and physically, too. We had a threesome once, when we thought we’d been caught by the police. We were like, “nothing to see here sir! Just clownin’ around!” He thought that was gross and mundane so he left. Our corrupt justice system…
What have you been up to since 2016? Got a job, a family?
Jingles: I was a priest for three years but never really believed in god, just liked the robes they wear. Costumes! Love costumes. Um, and then I was broke as hell so Bob got me a job as a cat sitter.
Kippy: I had a family, but the kids got taken away from me, it was really sad. They gave them back to their parents, and I had to flee the country. Now I live in Australia and run a successful taco shell production company.
Bob: Clowns are my family, and besides starting the East coast clown union, I have been developing a musical that builds on my earlier performance art and political statements. I also work at Starbucks, but only for the money and health insurance, so don’t cancel me!
Got any big plans? Will you get the gang back together?
Jingles: Well…if you see any news stories about killer elves around christmas time, you’ll know we’ve had another threesome. Ha! Just kittin. Get it? Kitten, cause I love cats now.
Kippy: Bob and I have a weekly zoom call that I guess I could invite Jingles to. But he’s just so obsessed with this new idea about stealing cats while dressed up as elves. Like, does he know cats don’t like elves? Why not just steal them in a normal way?
Bob: I wrote them both roles in my musical, so we can be a group again if they ace their auditions.
