They are putting off-brand Ozempic in EVERYTHING

by Naiya Patel-Kapka, Editor in Chief 

Illustration by Angus Gering

I used to take off-brand Ozempic recreationally, until I began coughing up hairballs. It has a distinct euphoric feeling, and when it's in your veins you can taste orange juice if you think hard enough about it. So when I went to Stevie the other day, I was shocked! While eating my eggs, all I could taste was orange juice, and all through the day I felt both euphoric and nauseous. When I went to investigate the back alleys of Stevenson hall, I saw the secret stash: crates and crates full of that neon blue liquid called Skoodle, which is the label put on off-brand Ozempic. I knew it! When I checked the basement of Tank, I saw the same crateful of Skoodle, and in the basement of Hark too. So, if you’ve been eating any of the food at this school and believe you may have unwittingly ingested Skoodle, here are the symptoms to look out for. If you have more than three, it may be too late…

-you cleaned your room for the first time in forever

-last weekend you “didn’t want to go out” (?!?!?)

-you think you are maybe balding, even though you are a girl and male pattern baldness would be a real anomaly

-you’ve begun to genuinely like the taste of Guinness 

-your back finally stopped hurting

-you recently had a dream about Gluppa, a 14th century Mongolian demon twink, whom you will help in his journey to take over the world when he is resurrected

-you just thought about going to church 

-the last time you went to class everyone stared at you

-Gluppa is already within you if you are reading this mwahahahahaha

-your friends are all going gluten free

-your nails are currently painted in a shade of beige OR you used a topcoat over the color underneath

-you’ve gone commando outside your dorm sometime within the past 10 days

-you haven't asked for an extension on an essay in a month 

-Brandy Melville is calling your name (because GLUPPA! HAHAHAHa! owns it)

-you flatulate constantly and without remorse

-your toes have started to turn green

-you quit vaping and now your friends have to roll you cigarettes all the time

-last month you got in a fight with someone over a laundry machine and you still think about it

-PRAISE GLUPPA

-your teeth are disappearing very slowly

-every time you sneeze someone whimpers

-your friends are all really into biking again but you lost your bike

-you genuinely sharted recently

-you cackle to yourself in private

-you think a lot about the concept of farm to table dining

-GLUPPA ♥️