Dr. Gags
Dear Dr. Gags,
I have some concerns surrounding the things people are getting up to in these Woodlands dorms, behind the imagined safety of their fog-glass windows. Namely, my neighbors. I come home late at night and, well, those walls are not soundproof…every day these boys collect rocks and sticks from Tappan Square and at night they have contests for who can shove the most up their ass. It’s horrible to listen to, especially when I have an essay due. And I’m a very sex positive person, not a bigot! No no, I am no bigot! Normally I am able to disregard or even enjoy these sounds, but like, it’s almost finals season and I don’t know how to tell them to tone down their activities. This ass-play obsessed Woodlands polycule is making me downright homophobic. Please help me, Gagatha! Should I write them a letter???
Sharting with learned helplessness,
Sirkum Siszhion
Darling Sirkum,
Aren’t we all just going day in, day out, wondering about ass play and the bounties of nature? I praise these boys' curiosity of the scientific world. Good on ‘em! But they shouldn’t be allowed to distract you from your studies. So here’s what you gotta do: sneak into their dorm using the universal keycard from the janitor's office, then coat all of the rocks and sticks in their room with a thin powder of laxatives and xanax. Trust me, it’ll do the damn trick! Hahaha! I’m shitting myself just thinking about them falling asleep and shitting themselves and falling asleep and shitting themselves. Glory be the conundrum! And don’t ya worry about sounding un-politically correct sweetie– hell, I’m sort of a lezzer myself, and even I get pushed to the boundaries of homophobia by some of you damn kids! Ha! Just kittin.
XOXOXo,
Gaggi
Dear Dr. Gags,
On Halloweekend, I ended up having the best sex of my life in the bathroom at The Grape party. I constantly fantasize and jerk off to my memory of this sexual encounter, and I would really like to experience it again. The only problem is that the person I had sex with was wearing a mask, and so was I, and we didn’t exchange names or phone numbers at all. I want to find them, but don’t know how to go about this, seeing as I have nothing to go on. They were wearing some sort of bird mask, and had very large feet and medium sized girthy penis. Please help me find them!
Best,
Garglegoyle@vaginosis.com
T01420699
Sweet little Garg,
This problem is much more common than you might think, and boy oh boy have I helped a million people find their lost lovers! To find ‘em, the solution is simple. Take this poster which I just made for you with my sweat blood and semen, and post it all over town and someone will find you!!!!!!!
Wear a condom!
Gags
