Penny for your Thoughts: An Exclusive Interview with Abraham Lincoln

by Xander Mroczek

Illustration by Frank Dolvin

Hello. My name is Xander Mroczek. I am a first year student at Oberlin College. However, as of right now, I am a god damn genius. I have successfully crafted the world's first working time machine, BUT, it only had one use. What did I use it on, might you ask? Well, I believe the answer is quite obvious. I did what anyone else would do and brought Abraham Lincoln back to the present time to interview him about the discontinuation of the penny. The interview is as follows:

XM: Hello, Mr. Lincoln.

AL: Please, call me Abe.

XM: Okay then, Abe. Are you aware of the topic we are covering in this interview?

AL: Yes, I am.

XM: Alright then, what are your initial thoughts on the discontinuation of the penny?

AL: Honestly, I am FUCKING PISSED bro. I mean, the penny has got to have been the most ICONIC coin, and they have the audacity to discontinue it?  Whoever is in charge of the US Mint, I am coming for you, I AM COMING FOR YOU!

(At this point Mr. Lincoln got up from his seat and started shadowboxing. He was pretty good.)

XM: Abe, please sit down.

AL: Yeah, my bad.

XM: So, tell me a bit more about the creation of the penny. What was the day like?

AL: Honestly, it was a blur. I was so hungover from drinking a bunch of Sam Adams the night before.

XM: Was there like, a party?

AL: No. Just me.

XM: Oh. So, do you remember anything?

AL: Yeah, a bit. They got a picture of me and then used the process of hand engraving and horse-powered presses to create the final product.

XM: That's quite specific. How did you feel about the picture?

AL: They got my bad side. Also, I was trying not to laugh.

XM: Trying not to laugh at what?

AL: I don’t fucking remember.

XM: Oh. 

(At this point Mr. Lincoln hit his vape. It seemed to be strawberry banana smoothie flavored. Where did he get it?)

XM: So, I understand the discontinuation of the penny has you quite upset, but you still have the five-dollar bill. Does that ease the pain a bit?

AL: Uhhhhhh I guess? But it just doesn't have the same effect y’know? Like the penny was lucky. You don't find a “lucky five-dollar bill.”

XM: I think finding a five-dollar bill is pretty lucky.

AL: Oh, we got a funny guy over here huh?

(At this point, Mr. Lincoln got up and started shadowboxing once more. Again, he was very good and I felt extremely threatened.)

XM: So, uh.. Was—was the hat real?

AL: Yeah, it was real and it was fucking awesome. 

XM: Ok. Um—I don't really have any more questions. You can go if you want.

AL: Alright great. I'm gonna catch a movie at the Apollo tonight. Peace.

(I have not seen Mr. Lincoln since.)