Dr. Gags

Dear Dr. Gags,

I was born uncircumcised and when the priests tried to cut off my foreskin the scissors slipped, so the job never got done. But this means that now I have some real issues with yeast infections and the like. Seriously, the folds down there get so dusty and crusty it is really scary, and the girls I get with really aren’t a fan. So this week I decided I am going to circumcise myself by the grace of god. I don’t trust priests or doctors to get the job done right. Any tips for my tip? 

Lovingly, 

Flateule Lence

Sweetest Flateule, 

Yer a real brave one, and I’m glad ya came to me for advice! I happen to know a lot on this subject, seeing as three of my forty two past lovers have undergone adult circumcisions (and I totalllllly didn’t ask them to). One did it with his bare hands, one used dental floss, and one used a rubber chicken. For your situation, I would suggest garden shears but those have become decidedly out of fashion. So here’s what yer gonna do! Go buy a ravenous carnivorous mouse from the guy who sits behind the Feve. He’s always there if ya know where to look. Then put the mouse in your bed and coat the unwanted areas of yer foreskin in peanut butter. You’ll wake up feeling brand spankin’ new! And you’ll have a new pet!

Can I watch?

Xo Gaggi

Dear Dr. Gags,

My friend loves displaying her yoni in wilder bowl, and it’s starting to become a health risk. I mean, picture this– she’s laying there in her huge puffer coat, bottomless, with her lips hanging to the freezing winter air. She told me the other day that she had an orgasm from the wind blowing up her hole. It’s horrifying! Her clit has started to turn blue. She doesn’t even want to be this way, she is just addicted to the grind. She is totally not me, by the way. So I am asking you, Doctor, please save her from this madness! How can she recover from this before she gets banned from Mudd? The SIC just launched a new investigation against me– I mean her! 

Queefingly,

Stonka MacDonald

My darling Stonka,

What a predicament your friend is in…no shame in the game though, sister! I had a phase back in ‘82 where I would consistently sit spread eagled on hot beach sand in order to get an orgasm. It was great! Until the chafing set in. And the sand mites. So what you really need to do is find a replacement– mine was a hot water bottle, but I guess yours would be an AC unit. HA! Just kidding, sweets. Those things have all sorts of craaaaazy germs and chemicals blowin around in ‘em. You don’t want a yeast infection! Really, truly, lovingly, I suggest you put on some pants to walk around campus in, and then join a sexual exhibitionist group for the weekends. Keep that clit workin’! 

Sloppy wet warm kisses,

Gags