by Sloane DiBari, Editor-in-Chief and Felix Brem, Contributor
You wrote, we answered. Our last Missed Connections resulted in one sloppy hookup—that sounds like a win to us! And that was only the person who emailed us an update…who knows what other Soul Connections Oberlin’s Top Media Source for Love, Sex, and Friendship has catalyzed since the last four wrote in? We’re back to share more of your titillating confessions in the hopes that they’ll result in tantalizing trysts…maybe even this Halloweekend…WooOOoooOOOoOooooo…
M4M: Beautiful intelligent hunk posting on r/relationshipadvice during class
I really wasn’t trying to look over your shoulder, but you sit directly in front of me in sociology class so it’s really not my fault. I’m not sure how many responses you’ve gotten at this point, but I just want to say that he sounds awful. If he’s not sleeping in your shared apartment six nights a week, he is probably cheating on you. I mean, “visiting his mom” in Brooklyn every night? You must be smarter than that; I can tell by your keen insights on the Jane Jacobs reading. And he hasn’t gone to a single one of your lacrosse games? Surely sitting through one lacrosse game couldn’t be THAT bad. You need to dump his ass! My boyfriend and I are looking for a third!
OSCA DLEC’s hot failed-guitarist dad
Lol u looked like Bob Belcher and smelled like patchouli. When you smiled serenely at the lesbian flag hanging from the Keep porch your veneers blinded me and suddenly I was in love. I introduced myself and you misheard me and thought I shared a name with an obscure root vegetable. Ur such a loser lol. Anyways my semester is pretty slow and having a fling with a Bob Belcher lookalike would definitely be something I could discuss with my therapist. I really want to connect with her but I think she gets bored of me. If ur still in town for Halloweekend come find me at the Hark party and we can give her something to psychoanalyze. I’ll be wearing a full-body bunny suit after Frank from Donnie Darko.
To the really nice girl who connected with me on LinkedIn
DO NOT try to do that again. I have seen your pictures. I have seen you around campus. I know you get a cold brew with cold foam at Azzy’s. I know you’re only one class short of finishing your politics and creative writing double major. I do not like the way you comport yourself. My career is my problem, and if you aren’t personally mired in suffering nor relevant in my industry, DO NOT HIT ME UP.
Generous Wendy’s drive thru employee
On Saturday I drove to your location in my Honda CR-V with my drunk roommate in the passenger seat. The drive thru line was long as hell. Every radio station was playing “My Body Isn’t Ready” by Sombr and I couldn’t help but feel like there was no hope for the world. But then, like Prometheus giving the human race the gift of fire, you handed us five Frosties when we only ordered three. I asked what was up. You said it was chill because corporate sucks and we have to stick it to the man. I complimented your symmetrical dermal piercings and you said thanks, I had a dream where God told me to get these. I was like so did you grow up around here? You were like yeah man born and raised. This town will fuck you up, man. I said, really? Wow! You said, yeah my dad went looking for Bigfoot and never came back. I’ve been to rehab five times. I was like wow, I’ve always wanted to find Bigfoot. I totally felt myself connecting with you spiritually. The car behind us honked. You asked me if I wanted to park around the back and we could do poppers behind the dumpsters. I was totally down. The driver behind us threw their Big Gulp at the trunk of my car. I was about to say yes when my roommate threw up in the cup holder. You were like, yo is she okay? And I was like sorry man I can’t hang tonight. Gotta take care of my roommate. She’s lowkey an alcoholic. You winked and handed me a receipt with your number written on it. I just wanna say that I’m sorry I never called. As soon as we got home my roommate barfed all over the front seat and I had to throw out everything, including the only thing connecting us in this lonely lonely world. Unfortunately you were also kinda chopped so I probably wouldn’t have called you anyway. Best of luck.
