Oberlin Missed Connections #1
by Sloane DiBari, Editor-in-Chief
As small and tight-knit as Oberlin often feels, it’s really just like the Big Apple (who’s feeling homesick?) in that we have near misses with each other all the time. From the sexy twink who tragically dropped your politics seminar to the graduated senior you wish could have been your friend, YikYak just doesn’t cut it for anonymously pouring your heart out to them in the hopes that maybe they’ll see it (no one hot or cool uses YikYak). Luckily for all you lonely hearts out there, the Grape will take pity on a select few of you each issue and propel you to the forefront of Oberlin’s Top Media Source for Love, Sex, and Friendship.
To the brunette baddie reading Finnegans Wake by the AJLC pond (w4w)
Every morning, I leave my wretched South single after a night of terrible sleep—a truly miserable start to the day. But at 9:55am every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, without fail, I head to Advanced Derridean Semiotics (it’s a private reading) and see you reading Joyce by the pond. I just feel glowing with life for the whole day after.
None of my friends are smart enough to understand Literature like you and I do. But you make me feel like The Age of Reading ISN’T Over. I wish you’d look up from your book and see me even just one time. Maybe you’ll read this someday and I’ll find you waiting for me. You’ll close the book and say, “Hello.” I’d do a buddy read of Infinite Jest with you if you’d have me.
i stole three cigarettes from the pack of marlboro golds in your pocket at the hark frat party
and i’m really genuinely sorry. i have a specific subtype of kleptomania where i’m addicted to pickpocketing. it started when i studied abroad in barcelona last year and my iPhone 16 Pro Max got stolen during the jesus lizard’s set at primavera sound and then my promise ring got stolen during lcd soundsystem’s set and i was like well if you cant beat em join em. i can’t afford therapy cuz i’m still in debt for my replacement iPhone 16 Pro Max so it’s pretty much out of my control. i would reimburse u but it doesn’t really make sense to buy a whole pack of cigarettes just for the three i took from u (i already smoked them) plus i’m still paying off my new iPhone 16 Pro Max so yea.
i’m sorry for any pain i caused u tho, i just wanted u to know. maybe we could be friends someday once i pay off my iPhone 16 Pro Max tbh you seem chill. btw i made a mutual aid venmo (@obie3cigz) if anyone wants to help ^_^
Chick who always stares at me with piercing blue eyes by the AJLC pond????
I’m always too locked in on Ulysses (my fav book) to care enough to say gtfo bitch so if you’re reading this, I literally have two boyfriends at NYU and you’re not getting ANY from me.
brainblaster05@hotmail.com, I want you so bad it hurts.
You wrote in to Dr. Gags a couple weeks ago and your message made me so horny I tore my copy of the Grape to shreds and walked to Walmart in the rain with a flask of Mickey Mart vodka in hand. Just like you said, I got super drunk on the way there and spun around twice to see shelf 4 in the bedding aisle.
And there you were: Gagless and alone, surrounded by crumpled, sopping wet Grapes. You looked so small; I wanted to hold you. But I didn’t. I was afraid. I bought a bag of chips and left.
I know Gagatha is the only girl you want but she’s not the only one for you. Just know that I would have given all I had for the baked potato you were keeping in your pocket. Then I’d always remember how happy you were to see me.
But don’t worry—my first visit to your love shack wasn’t your last chance to have me. Meet me in the Subway at the front on October 5. I’ll be sitting at one of the tables all day, waiting for you. I’m going to show you things Gagatha could never imagine.
