AN INTERVIEW WITH THE AMBAR DANCE VIDEO CHOREOGRAPHER

by Xander Mroczek

Xander Mroczek: Hello everyone! I'm sure if you have been on Instagram recently you may have stumbled across a video of our WONDERFUL president, Carmen Ambar, participating in a choreographed dance with the musical theater majors. Well, I watched that video and got STRUCK with the question: who choreographed that? And since I'm positive you all were thinking the same thing, I'm pleased to announce that I found him! Haling all the way from Trécon, France, esteemed dancer and choreographer of the Ambar dance video, please welcome, Monsieur Jean-Claude Philippe François-Benoît de la Fureur de Montmartre, Chevalier de la Danse!!!

(At this point me and the crew all stood up to give him a round of applause.)

Jean-Claude: (with malicious intent) SIT DOWN.

(We obliged.)

XM: Oh- Okay, sorry. Uh- Well Jean-Claude it's amazing to have you in the studio today to talk to us about the dance video! Why don't you start by telling us a little bit about yourself?

JC: All my life I have been dancing. When I came out of the womb I was dancing. When I was but a child I was dancing. When I sleep I dream about dancing. Dancing is my one true passion and NOBODY will EVER take it away from me.

(Jean-Claude then stood up, did 18 pirouettes in a row and lit up a cigarette.)

JC: I studied at the prestigious Phoque Gras University in Paris and from there I went on to choreograph hundreds of dances.

XM: Wow, that's amazing! Were there any notable people in your dances at all, have you had a hit yet?

JC: Well this dance video was actually my first project with other humans. My past projects are just me dancing 5–27 different parts, overlaying them on iMovie and then posting them to YouTube.

XM: Oh. So not really a professional then.

(Jean-Claude then put out the cigarette on my arm.)

XM: Ow, what the fuck?

JC: I AM A PROFESSIONAL!

(He then ripped off all his clothes revealing a leopard print leotard, stood up and puffed out his chest to try some sort of intimidation tactic on me.)

XM: Please sit down. I would really love it if you would stay in place for two seconds. Please.

JC: Fine. 

XM: Great. Awesome. So let's get back to our conversation. Since this was your first actual project with other people, why did you decide to come to Oberlin for your, I guess, directorial debut? 

JC: Well it actually wasn't my first choice. I emailed Hollywood and I didn't get a response so I sent them death threats. Then I emailed Broadway and I didn't get a response so I also sent them death threats. I then tried to DM Hollywood on Instagram but it turns out they don't have an official account and I accidentally dm’ed a sweet woman named Holly Wood, so I venomed her 20 dollars because I had sent her death threats.

XM: Ok, so that didn't actually answer my question.

JC: I AM GETTING TO IT. So after that I lost a lot of hope so I just threw a dart onto a map of the world and after it landed on a place I didn't want to go to I decided to just email a random school, and that happened to be Oberlin. They responded, I Ubered here, and we got to work!

XM: How did you Uber here from France?

(JC then lifted up a part of his leotard revealing that he had a gun.)

JC: WHY ARE WE ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS MON CHERI? HOW ABOUT WE SEE YOU DANCE A LITTLE?

(I had to do it because my life was at risk but I was actually pretty good.)

XM: Alright! Lets try and wrap this up because I think this is actually a hostage situation now. What's your creative process like? How did you figure out what you wanted to do for all the different aspects of the video?

JC: Well first of all, I gave Ambar and the Musical Theater majors a pair of scissors and kind of just told them to go wild. I didn't want to see any intact pieces of clothing. 

XM: Oh, are you into fashion as well?

JC: No. As for the actual dancing process. I gathered up my performers at 4 AM sharp, one of them was late so I wanted him expelled but Ambar said that was not going to happen, then I poured myself a Mojito and told them to freestyle dance until I got an idea. 

XM: how long does it usually take for you to get an idea?

JC: I’m a professional. Not long at all. Anyways, after about 9 hours something finally struck me. 

XM: Oh?

JC: Yeah, I realized that I had left my stove on as well as all the burners so I decided to leave effective immediately or my apartment would burn down.

XM: Wait, but, I thought you choreographed the dance? Did you even help at all?

JC: OF COURSE! I told them to look at 2020 TikTok dances and label it as a challenge so that it would be cool or go viral or whatever they wanted to do. I don't know, I was pretty focused on getting back to my apartment.

XM: Huh. Okay. Thank you for your time I guess. That's all I need from you.

JC: Great, because I left my microwave running with 12 hard boiled eggs inside of it so I need to stop that before they blow up. Jean-Claude, OUT!

(Jean-Claude then pulled out a grappling hook from who knows where and shot it at the ceiling. I don't really know what he was thinking because the ceiling is entirely brick and after going up he came plummeting down causing him to die immediately. Rest in peace Jean-Claude. He’ll never choreograph again.)