Interviewing the Last Penis in The Grape Centerfold

by Henry Boehm, Staff Writer

What happened to hog? At Oberlin, the penis used to be an Institution. Every other week, at least one penis would bask in the shining glory of The Grape centerfold. Was it always nice to look at? No! But it was the principle of the thing: people would hang dong for a campus-wide publication simply because it needed to be done. But today, penis has all but disappeared from public life, living on only in whispered legends of nudist pizza parties held in the shadowy depths of Harkness. To find out what happened, I decided to interview the last penis to be displayed in a Grape centerfold to pick his head about the changes on campus.

Rod Pecker (class of ’04, he/they, cut) agreed to sit down with me over a cup of coffee at Slow Train. It was like talking to a bricked wall at first, but after a bit of slightly glazing his shit, Rod eventually unstiffened—looking less like he came straight out of a porno and looking more like any other penis you might grab a coffee with. Easing out of the small talk, I popped my first real question:

“What was it like being photographed for The Grape centerfold?”

“It was glorious,” he replied. “For the first time in my life I didn’t have to be a sex object, a punchline, a bulge in some guy’s boxers. I could just be me.”

“Why do you think penises have disappeared from campus life?”

Rod paused, evidently caught off guard. After stroking his shaft for a minute, he replied: “When I was at Oberlin, a boner didn’t mean a mistake: it was something you were proud of. Every Cock, Dick, and Hairy was strutting around, naked and unafraid. Since then, cockshame has become a huge issue in the community.”

“Have you ever thought about coming back to Oberlin to be in a Grape centerfold yourself, as an alum?”

“I mean, it’s kind of like robbing penis to pay balls, don’t you think? It wouldn’t get to the scrote of the issue.”

When I asked him if he saw any hope for the future, Rod got misty-eyed. I offered him a tissue to blow his load into before continuing. His response was short and torse:

“No. I think that dick has sailed.”

Despite everything, I believe that the next Grape centerfold penis is out there. He might even be getting touched on by someone reading this very article. Just don’t ask my penis to do it!