Grading Different Geese Fans
by Mia Bisono
Illustration by Audrey Haber
If there’s two things you can count on at Oberlin, it’s a large population of New Yorkers and an enjoyment of modern music. Recently, these two fundamental pillars of student culture have converged into the cultural phenomenon of Getting Killed by Geese. Nearly everyone’s a fan of the NYC rock quartet at this point, with appreciation shown from plenty of angles, from the facile to the fanatic.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Gee, I love social in-groups,” you say. “We ought to show our appreciation for easily recognizable shared interests and their effectiveness at harboring positive and friendly connections…but how?” Fear not, reader, for I’ve concocted a self aware and lighthearted way to do so: grading different Geese fans, with the graceful insight of someone who doesn’t go outside often.
The New Music Enthusiast | C
Of all the archetypes, this is the most common. This listener is a fan of other modern bands across the music spectrum. They describe albums they like with generous hyperbole, enthusiasm, and intensity. More often than not, they post their thoughts about music on their close friends story. All of this combined is a harmless (if overbearing) show of affection, but one that can quickly become repetitive. How many adjectives before the heights of quality we speak of are devalued? It doesn’t matter—they like it that much.
The New Yorker | B+
Oh my god, you guys are all so cool. Like, unbearably cool. It’s awesome that your corduroy jacket smells like Newports. Everyone pretends to not feel it, but they think you’re cool too. You guys kinda just get a pass for being from NYC. Your city’s been showing up recently, so a round of best-city-in-the-world is in order.
The Crush on Cameron Winter | D
Cameron Winter can best be described as a sort of Creature-Man. Imagine a neutral good doppelganger of the Quirked-Up White Boy; less glamorous philosopher and more in touch with surroundings. This listener will be drawn to the humanity-yet-inhumanness within his demeanor and artistry. They’re not entirely aware of this themselves, though. Here is a short list of phrases you’ll likely hear from this person.
“He’s just such a great songwriter!”
“Don’t you think he’s a lot like Leonard Cohen?”
“I just think he’s cool.”
Of course, these statements are accurate, but also redundant. These people wouldn't just state the obvious; there is a deeper meaning to their words. They might not be aware, but they’re actually crushing on him. If this is you…we all have our vices.
The Radiohead-Centric | B-
Radiohead, no matter how good, functions as a gateway band into music criticism. I’ve read so many stories of OK Computer being someone’s first front-to-back listen that really stuck with them. It is in this phenomenon that we find the Radiohead-Centric. They immediately identified the bits of Radiohead within Getting Killed, and almost certainly did a double take at the lead guitar in “Au Pays du Cocaine” for its evocation of “No Surprises”. While a respectable position, basing everything off Radiohead eventually becomes a burden. You can move on.
The /mu/ refugee | F
Music criticism is this person’s passion. If an album gets popular, you can count on them to have a review somewhere on the interwebs. They really like the word “sonically” as a segue into their thoughts on an album’s components of sound. They rush to label releases as “Concept Albums” when, really, they just have themes. This archetype is easy to rag on, but they’re only so low because they don’t have much interesting to add to a discussion. There comes a point where infinite technical knowledge leaves no room for emotional knowledge. We end up losing the plot of art entirely.
The “You should listen to 3D Country!” | A+
I’ll just hand it to these folk, I’d be over the moon if a promising band I liked took off so quickly and saw such universal acclaim. Maybe in a different situation I’d despise this camp, but so far it’s been pretty positive and earnest enthusiasm about a common interest. You are allowed to feel proud of yourselves for this one.
How did you fare? Are you some seventh secret archetype I didn’t list? I sure hope not! It would sure be unfortunate if so—I’d hate to not present you in arbitrary competition with your peers. For those of you so thoroughly defined by stereotype, I can already hear your acclaim.
“Wow,” you say, flummoxed by the sheer novelty of meaningless rankings, “Not everyone can create a list of their opinions. How do you do it?”
There is really no secret. It comes to you in a dream. I know it may be daunting, but with enough grit, maybe you, too, could one day be brave enough to proclaim what you think without any substantial analysis.
