YE OLDE HOROSCOPE
by Zahra Stevick & Naiya Patel-Kapka
ARIES: Thou musteth leaveth thy nunnery. They all know what it is that thou hast done. We all knoweth!!! And thou art correct to think that everyone is always staring at ye behind thy back!!! Thou art a scoundrel! O, tis too great a sin to even speaketh, ye accursed harlot!
TAURUS: Confucius dictateth that thou shalt sneaketh into Stevenson Castle beneath the light of the new moon. Oh?…Confucius speaketh onwards… he doth say that shouldst thou complete this task thou shalt be gifted with a thpanking new pair of pantieth.
GEMINI: Garrulous cockalorums lurketh within thee. Watcheth thyself closely and avoideth robing thyself in tones of wheat. For a cleanse of yer soul ye must sacrifice one Lupita’s margarita to Saint Gababsløshaka.
CANCER: Beware! The Knights of the Communications Office art on the prowl once more…stayeth on thy guard, lest ye be interview’d and appeare a gormless fool upon the college Instagramme.
LEO: 𝕾𝖆𝖈𝖗𝖎𝖘 𝖘𝖔𝖑𝖊𝖒𝖓𝖎𝖎𝖘……𝖘𝖆𝖑𝖛𝖊 𝖗𝖊𝖌𝖎𝖓𝖆….𝖈𝖗𝖚𝖝 𝖋𝖎𝖉𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖘…what?? Thou hast interrupt’d my chanting…returneth later.
VIRGO: Fetch thyself a Long Island from Feve Tavern this Woden’s Day and Cupid’s arrow may findeth its way into thine tender heart. Pray, mind that when it does thine eyes are not fasten’d upon a wench from Harkness—unless thou prefereth a diet composed of bean and grain?
LIBRA: ↗⇇☞☥wö☧☘♱⚙ō⚘⚛⚔p⚒⚑⛐⚖fù⚗⚗⚗☪☠☠☠☠ï☠òœ☠☠☠☠v☠œø☠
SCORPIO: Prithee avoideth DeCafe PB&J sandwiches this approaching fortnight, elsewise I foresee a moldy surprise in thy future. Worship solely those noble Bowls of Umami: they shall never fail thee.
SAGITTARIUS: Aiieee! Tis thou…I sense it…that scamp who hath caused the Fire Alarmes in the ill-fated Woodland Hall! Get thyself to the confessor with haste and performeth the ordered penances immediately.
CAPRICORN: Thee shalt be flummoxed by a thief and succumbe tew despaire. Keepeth one eye on thine clitoris and one on thine enemies.
AQUARIUS: Queen Ambar hath decreed all must be drafted into battle on the side of the beloath’d Castellan Gundhold Pelagius Theodwald. If thou art possessed of a strong will, there is yet hope for survival. Dost thou prefer thine left foot or thine right?
PISCES: Thy privy doth stinketh. Ye must clean yer arse before judgement day doth pass, or else thou shalt be turned into a humbugalug fer all eternity.
