Dr. Gags

Dear Dr. Gags,

My friend keeps having sex dreams about me and it's starting to really freak me out. I mean, the first time she said something about it was about a month ago. She was like haha, I dreamt that you ate me out last night. And I was like haha, that’s funny as hell. But then the dreams kept continuing, like every night… I would meet up with her and she’d have this look on her face, kind of pale and flustered. She stopped telling me she’d had them but I just knew! It’s freaking me out! I’m really bad at sex IRL and I’m worried that the dream version of me is a freaking sex god, and if she tells people about the dreams people might expect things from me. SOS! What do I do?

-Bigole Weiiner

Darling Bigole,

This is such a common problem! Ya don’t even know how many people confuse dreams with reality around here! I remember for about a year of my life I thought I was Mitt Romney. Never even met the guy! But I’d be campaigning around Oberlin and people threw tomatoes at me. I’d go home guilty because I didn’t identify with the Republican Party, and I’d have sex dreams about Obama. Crazy stuff! I had to get a new prescription! Anyways, for yer situation I’d recommend starting a rumor that you have a tiny penis. Or alternatively, having sex with someone so they can tell everyone you're not really very good at it. Only ways to clear yer name! But if I were you, I’d let everyone think I was a sex god. Sounds titillating!

Gapingly,

Gagatha

Dear Dr. Gags,

My girlfriend keeps wanting to flip me upside down during sex, like a sumo wrestler, and then having me lay partly off the bed. I had no problem with this at first because she is a strong lady and it turned me on mucho, but after a while the blood starts rushing to my head and I have to switch positions, which makes me a little dizzy. When I brought this up to her she suggested that we have sex while hanging like monkeys from the curtain rod. I am so confused where these sexual ideas are coming from… have you ever heard of anything like this? When did good old fashioned sex (perpendicular/horizontal, laying down) go out of style? 

Best,

Glim Glizzy

Sweet Glim,

I am so excited by this! I am so excited, on the edge of my seat! I mean, maybe it's a law violation to tell you this, but my friend Professor Vege has been conducting experiments on his students. Does your girlfriend perhaps study psychology with Vege? If so, she has been inhaling pheromones which are designed to make her and her peers access the most primal parts of their brains. You should feel lucky! Your girlf is part of the future! I didn’t realize these pheremones would affect sex life though, so I expect I’ll be getting a lot more of these complaints… hmmm. I’m gonna have a word with Vege. 

Queefingly,

Gaggi