Dr. Gags
Dear Dr. Gags,
I’ll preface with this: I’m very hung, attractive, and a great time generally. Some more intrigue (if needed) is that I actually came up with the flavor “Millionaire” made by North vapes. And I’m something of a millionaire myself, if you get my wind. Well, I’m like a millionaire in the way that millionaires are when they’ve gambled away all their money. Gambling is hot though, right? Now, I’ve been reading your column for years, but I have never seen you in person in the wild. You sound wild…..any chance we could rendezvous at a certain love shack near Walmart and make this thing happen? I’ll show you a great time, snookums…
Adoringly,
P.S. My love shack is near Walmart in the sense that if you drive up to Walmart and go inside the store and then spin around twice and are super drunk, it is my house. (Bedding aisle, shelf 4.)
Walter,
This is the fourth time you’ve written to me from a different email address and tried to “get in my pants”. It won’t work! I know I’m deliciously sexy, but it’s not gonna happen. Remember the first time you tried this, and I showed up at that pizza place, and you hid inside your turtleneck the whole 20 minutes and then tried to sell me a baked potato you were keeping in your pocket? Because I remember. Call me George because my Bush will Never Forget! Please let me forget now, and don’t contact this column again. If you do, I will SQUISH you and turn you into mango PULP to put in my morning smoothie. Erewhon vibes and ALL!
Disdainfully but with a professional tone,
Dr. Gagatha McCreampie
Dear Dr. Gags,
I’ve had a crush on this girl forever, and she finally wants me back, but I’m already in a very complicated open relationship with her friend. Yesterday night, while we were all hanging out in The Arb, they both started kissing, beckoned to me to kiss them both too, and then a threesome started up. This would have been a dream come true but I hadn’t realized that I was sitting in poison ivy….So lo and behold, when they both go down on me, they come up with burning lips from MY burning lips! I was mortified, and told them it must have been poison ivy, but they don’t believe me. They think I gave them both Chlamydia! Fuck my fucking life. Now neither of them are speaking to me and I’ve lost two great women in one night. What do I do????????
Please help me,
Squelchi Stinka
Darling Squelchi,
Holy hell! As a lady who has also sat her lady parts into poison ivy, as well as poison oak, cacti, and an anthill, I can only imagine the pain you were in afterwards, both emotionally and physically. Hope ya got that checked out! But for the social situation, you’ve come to the right place. Gags actually stands for Gorgeous Advice Guru Saint, did you know? Anyways, here’s what you gotta do to make your gals not hate you anymore. First, send them chocolates and rash cream. Ladies love chocolates and rash cream! Then, once their hearts are a bit less chilly towards ya, shit yer pants in front of them. No one can hate someone who just shat their pants! If they still can’t forgive you, then take a STD test and show them the negative result, I guess, and explain the truth. But have fun with it…get creative…. and if they still hate you, then…um…order Taco Bell and move to Idaho?
Burning with desire (for taco bell),
Gaggi
