A Public Service Announcement on Oberlin Students’ Medications and Practices (and Proposed Alternatives)
by Robert Francis Kennedy Jr.
Illustration by Frances
From the desk of the United States Secretary of Health and Human Services: Oberlin College is a microcosm of a concerning epidemic spreading across America. Healthy college students have been turning to prescription medications as a crutch, oblivious to the life-threatening (and oftentimes even autism-inducing) effects of such drugs. We encourage the students of Oberlin College and Conservatory to observe the following alternatives to these damaging medications.
Painkillers (Advil, Tylenol): Back when I was a lad, drugstores weren’t corrupted with these quack cures for headaches. It’s shown that the chemical composition of this snake oil is also present in dirt. We wholly advocate for the consumption of clean, well-sourced dirt (eyeballing it is sufficient enough). It’s a slice of God’s green earth that’ll be in your mouth, and not some acetaminophen junk.
Stimulants (Ritalin, Vyvanse, Adderall): I remember when speed was actually good for something, and actually worked. Kids don’t know the rush of doping before hitting the squash court, and it’s not like this stuff’ll help you sit still in class. If students slowed down a little, they’d learn a whole lot more. The only question, naturally, is what kind of dimorphine works best for you? Black tar can be reliable, but fentanyl is cleaner and easier to obtain, not to mention far more easy to administer. Gumming it works just fine.
Antidepressants (Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft): It doesn’t have to be a controlled substance, but these drug companies are completely insensible when it comes to appropriate dosage. Everyone’s mental health is different, these new “experts” say. Riddle me this, pill-gobblers: do you really think taking one pill in the morning will hold you over for the entire day? Do you think a unitarian dosage will work for everyone? The answer to that question is absolutely not, and the real answer is simple: Everclear. With an ABV that high, when you water it down you’ll have enough micro-dosages to hold you over for months. Just make sure you make enough doses to administer throughout the day.
NyQuil/DayQuil: Put down the cup, for the love of god. If you have a cold, drink the life essence of a badger for six moons. If that fails, you can take a bath in fluoride free water, and after soaking, proceed to drink the water in the bathtub. Do this for 60 days, and your cold should subside. Remind yourself to not get an Influenza vaccine this year, and your future children will actually have the motor ability in their jaw to say “thank you.”
Plan B One Step: I once knew a girl. We messed around. Her placenta is gone now. Probably because she’s dead and has been decomposing for seven years. She didn’t actually take birth control, but her great-granddaughter texts me about it from time to time. Science has shown, time and time again, that the more unwanted pregnancies carried to term, the higher our population grows. If you seriously don’t want the baby, mail the address below, I know some takers.
Sleeping supplements: Insomnia and sleep apnea stem from the same issue, and for young people, the former seems to be the more prominent affliction. Taking melatonin supplements will give you night terrors. Vietnam. The 2001 VMAs. The parties on Little Saint James, if you were there. The trick to prevent these horrid nightmares is by refraining from supplement use and instead covering your head with a pillow, and placing ~40 lbs on top of it. Breathe easy and conk out.
Anti-parasite: i HavENT eateN iN seventy DAys. ThEy’;re ComIng FoR ME. HE’s in mY heaD. AlWAYs pickIng, NEvEr satiated. tHirTy pERCEnt%%%, thEy said. gOD, dO pLEase deLiVer mE. fathER?
