Noided: My Year of Conspiratorial Thinking
by Cat Gilligan, Arts and Culture Editor
Illustration by Molly Posey
Declaring that you’re not a conspiracy theorist is kind of like wearing a shirt that says “I am not someone who enjoys running over dogs with my car”; chances are, nobody suspected that you were until you denied it. With that being said, I want to stress that I am, really and truly, not a conspiracy theorist. I don’t believe that aliens built the pyramids, I am not of the opinion that Jeff Bezos is secretly a lizard person, and I certainly don’t think that 5G, chemtrails, or seed oils are forcibly feminizing any Red Blooded American Men (unfortunately). I, like most people, like to think of myself as a rational person. And yet—and this is where I adjust my tinfoil hat ever so slightly—in the past year, I have undoubtedly found myself becoming a little bit…paranoid.
Given the current political and social climate, I don’t think that I am alone in my newfound sense of trepidation. We are operating in a post-truth sociopolitical landscape; if “consensus reality” ever had a bearing on American politics, it certainly doesn’t now. And who can blame anyone for rejecting the “official narratives” promoted by a fascistic government and complicit media apparatus? Frankly, the fact that the vast majority of Americans didn’t become conspiratorial cranks after the Iraq War reflects poorly on our populace. Furthermore, it’s difficult to dismiss all conspiracies out of hand when oftentimes the only thing separating an absurd theory from an undeniable reality is a couple of years and a few leaked documents. If you had asserted in 2018 that two out of the four U.S. presidents elected since 1992 were implicated in a global child sex trafficking operation, you would have been met with as much contempt as the Pizzagate perverts who insisted that there was footage of Hillary Clinton eating a newborn baby circulating online. Now, this claim is an undisputable fact, unless, of course, you are a Republican, a pedophile, or a moron.
Of course, if we are to understand the volatile state of American politics as the kindling for this dumpster fire, we can think of the internet as lighter fluid. Thanks to social media, everybody has adopted their own set of boutique conspiratorial convictions. Right-leaning Boomers who spend upwards of eight hours a day on Facebook believe that there are hordes of “mole children” being held in captivity underground by liberal elites seeking to harvest their adrenochrome. Crunchy naturopath moms post Instagram Reels about the dangers of the measles vaccine while claiming that they’ve managed to cure their son’s autism with Reiki healing and celery juice. And all the while, left-wing freaks like me love to lurk in parapolitics Subreddits while prattling on about MKULTRA, FBI entrapment, and the surveillance state. These algorithms are attuned to our every neurosis, each ideological idiosyncrasy and political quirk; obviously, it is in the best interest of these multitrillion-dollar social media companies to keep their users as engaged (or rather, as addicted) as possible. Subsequently, it’s incredibly easy to fall down any number of increasingly outlandish rabbit holes, lining Zuckerberg and Musk’s pockets all while feeling like you’re sticking it to The Man.
Now, I feel like a couple of disclaimers are in order here. While I am obviously biased, I do feel that it is worth distinguishing utterly baseless drivel (i.e. QAnon slop, Anti-Vaxxer bullshit, whatever incomprehensible garbage David Icke has been cooking up for the past 30 years, etc.) from more or less legitimate concerns pertaining to the CIA and FBI’s influence on politics both domestically and abroad. I think it is incredibly important to have a basic understanding of the truly abhorrent conduct of the American “deep state” (don’t roll your eyes!) if you want to make sense of the current political moment. To take it one step further, I don’t think that there is anything inherently wrong with speculating about the impact that these ghoulish organizations may or may not have on the state of the nation; I believe that a certain level of skepticism about the credibility of the dominant narratives advanced by the United States government is demanded of all of us at the moment. As far as I’m concerned, an interest in “deep politics” only becomes troublesome when it begins to swallow you whole.
The problem that I have with certain left-wing parapolitics junkies has very little to do with the legitimacy of their beliefs. I’ve “done the reading,” so to speak, and with the exception of some of the kookier stuff, I am inclined to agree with many of their assertions. The cartoonishly evil operations carried out by the CIA and FBI have been extensively documented, and if you’re not convinced by the wealth of scholarship dedicated to discussing the subject, then you can read about it in the tens of thousands of documents released by the United States government under the Freedom of Information Act. What concerns me is the fact that fixating on parapolitics is a surefire way to alienate your political allies. As I have come to learn as of late, ranting and raving about Operation Gladio, Sirhan Sirhan and Eye of the Chickenhawk tends to perturb people who ostensibly agree with you about most issues. While I can insist time and time again that documents detailing everything one could ever want to know about the atrocities covertly perpetrated by the U.S. government are available on a number of totally legit .gov websites, I ultimately have to accept the fact that this shit freaks regular people out, and freaking regular people out is not conducive to building a political coalition. Additionally, I think that oftentimes it is easier to speculate wildly about what is and isn’t a “deep event” than it is to confront the political realities that we are all privy to. Our interest in “deep politics” must not serve as a distraction that prevents us from addressing the injustices that everyone is already acutely aware of. So to my fellow crackpots, nutjobs and r/TrueAnon enthusiasts, I implore you to stay focused, because God knows that the Feds definitely are.
