Shitlympics

by Ebun Lawore, Staff Writer

Illustration by Audrey Haber, Contributor

Sometimes it feels like everyone has stomach issues. After almost every meal I have, there will be someone in the room who declares that they are going to have a field day on the toilet later. But why? Why do we keep eating food that makes us shit? I’ve spoken to a few Oberlin students to find out the truth.

What food do you eat that you really love, but messes up your stomach?

beans: Like so many foods. I don't know specifically which ones. It just happens really often.

milk: For me, every meal I've ever eaten in OSCA is really [bad for] my stomach. I actually shit four to five times a day now. Also, Taco Bell. 

coffee: I eat cheese a lot, and I'm definitely lactose intolerant. But also, my favorite fruit is bananas, and I'm also very allergic to bananas.

Why do you guys eat these foods?

beans: Well, I just don't wanna have to start monitoring what I'm eating. So I kind of just accept that every once in a while, I'm gonna have crazy diarrhea and shit my brains out. 

This is lowkey, like, off topic for this interview, but when I first came home from Europe, I was here for a week. I kid you not, every single meal, like, 20 minutes after I ate, I would be about to shit my pants. One day, I was genuinely  running to the bathroom gripping my ass because it was so bad. The American fucking pesticides. 

milk: Well, I feel like being in OSCA. Like, I enjoy the company, and I also do enjoy the food like a lot of the time. So I eat it anyway. And then also, like, where else am I gonna get food, you know? And I also just love Taco Bell. I live for Taco Bell. I would never not eat Taco Bell.

coffee: I eat dairy, because how the fuck do I not eat dairy? Cheese is just really fire. If I ever had to only eat crackers and nothing on them, I'd probably have to kill myself. Also, then I can’t eat bacon, egg, and cheese. Then I would definitely have to kill myself. 

Have you ever considered taking meds for stomach issues?

beans: No. Sometimes Pepto, but not often. Honestly, I don't even do that.

milk: I took lactaid occasionally in high school, but I just kind of gave up and embraced it, and now I drink full glasses of milk. Whole milk.

coffee: I don't take medicine because I can't take medicine consistently. I just drink hella ginger tea. I feel like that fixes my microbiome.

Tell a story about the worst time you ever had to shit.

beans: One time I was hiking with my friend, and we were hiking the whole day. But like, you know, hiking downhill just really gets the bowels moving. And we had started the day by going to dunkin’. We got egg sandwiches and huge, huge, huge coffees. 

milk: Oh, my stomach hurts just thinking about it.

beans: I didn't realize that it was gonna have the effect that it did.Basically, I'm walking down the trail, and I just really had to shit. But we were still, like, three miles from [the end of the] trail. So I started running, but in that moment I was like, I'm going to shit myself. And then I gave up, and I just dug a hole and shat on the side of the trail. It was the craziest diarrhea, and it was just, like, on the trail.

milk: One time in eighth grade, me and my dad were on this run. We were doing hill repeats, and then I was like, fuck, I have to shit so bad. I was like, we have to go back. And we were running back, but I was like, no, we have to walk back. So we started walking, and then I was like, no, it's better if we run. Then I finally made it, and then I literally couldn't shit…I shit like four times a day. I'm telling you, I actually think it's a problem.

coffee: When I was in seventh grade, I had a cold, and my mom gave me ice cream. I was sitting in our living room playing with my Monster High dolls, and while I was sitting there, I was like, wow, my stomach really hurts. So I pushed out what I thought was gonna be a fart. That shit was not a fart. Literally that shit was not a fart. It was so much worse. I was sick so it was, like, the least solid shit of my life, ever. And I was also a kid, so I was wearing a onesie. That was really bad. It was on my back. So immediately, in the living room, I just stripped. I was like, I can't have this on me.

And then I ran to the bathroom and I took a shower. And I went downstairs to my parents and I was like, hey, just so you know, there is a onesie full of shit in the living room. I don't want to touch it. They were like, oh, okay. Got you.

I'm gonna name some foods and then you guys are gonna react to them about how they make you feel inside.

The first one is coffee.

beans: Like, my tummy is gonna hurt a little bit, but my poop might be normal if I'm eating well. But if I'm eating like shit and then I have coffee, that's a wrap. That's the end of the day. You're not gonna see me.

milk: Um, I feel like my response to that is just, like, everything's sliding around in my intestines just thinking about it. 

coffee: I think my reaction to coffee is pretty chill. It does make me shit, but it makes me shit in a laxative way. So I kind of expect it, especially when I haven’t  shat for two weeks. 

The next one is whole milk.

beans: I had a cup of whole milk with dinner. I can tell it's loosening things up. I feel like I was really into the oat milk scene for a while, but now I just, like, I manned up.

coffee: I fuck with whole milk. It makes me feel really strong and feel good in my bones. I used to drink it a lot more, and then I learned to not do that. So now I have a pretty normal relationship with whole milk.

beans: I have never actively noticed it affecting me, but I think it probably does. It definitely [does] when I have my coffee with whole milk. That's a shit storm. That's poop coming out of my ears, my nose.

Okay, the next food is chia seeds

beans: I've never noticed chia seeds impacting my pooping habits.

coffee: Me neither. Chia seeds make me feel fine, but they just feel weird in my mouth. 

milk: They're so good. Fuck. I'm gonna go make chia seed pudding right now.

The last one is beans.

beans: Beans make me gassy as fuck. Like really, the more you eat, the more you fart.

coffee: Beans, beans they’re good for your heart. The more you eat, the more you fart, the more you fart, the better you feel. So eat some beans for every meal.

But besides the song, I feel really normal about beans. They don't make me feel like I'm dying.

Milk: Beans are the reason why my pooping issues are so bad. 

Coffee: Do you wanna live your life being a girl that poops, or do you wanna live your life being a bitch that shits?