Woodlands Lawsuit Open Claims:
by Naiya Patel-Kapka, Editor-in-Chief
Lived in Woodlands? Experienced emotional or mental harm? Join these people seeking retribution for their trauma in an ongoing lawsuit.
Katy P: I lived in Woodlands last year, and I still have The Nightmares. Oh, god! I wake up shivering and screaming. Squirrels, so many squirrels, filling the hallways. The white albino ones, Yeobie’s offspring, red-eyed and hungry. They were there. The school didn’t even remove them from my dorm room because of all the federal DEI repeals– campus safety said they can only get rid of brown squirrels now. Anyways, it got so bad that the Yeobie spawn started chewing at my hair when I slept. By the week I finally escaped this hellhole, my hair was short like a little boy’s. It even turned white! I want my housing accommodation money back!
Michael J: I was on the fourth floor of Woodlands last year and holy frick man, was it bad or what! My roommate Jeff was some random they put me with, excluding me from the squad I was supposed to be living with in a quad next door. Jeff was an odd guy. He liked to eat whole pickles dipped in mayonnaise and peanut butter and laugh like a maniac every time I entered the house. He called the dipped pickles his “post nut treats” because…well…it’s too graphic to say explicitly, but think of the shapes and colors in a sexual setting. Yup, that was Jeff. When I tried to switch living situations in week 2, Reslife said to “suck it up, big guy”. Jeff saw the email and offered me a post nut pickle with evil in his eyes. I transferred to Case Western.
Anonymous Apple: I was in Woodlands when they were doing construction, and I think it was the worst thing I’ve ever been through. My first morning living there I was woken up at 6AM by the sound of construction outside, and when I looked through the blinds a construction man on a ladder was staring at me, nodding to himself. I was naked. I tried to open the window to push him off the ladder but the windows don’t open, so I must have looked really stupid trying to find a latch on the glass with my dick swinging around all willy nilly. The guy started laughing, fell off his ladder because he was laughing so hard, and then looked angry AT ME? I wanted to move out immediately but Reslife never answered my phone calls, emails or in person pleas. They finally told me that Woodlands was a psychological experiment that I had given my consent to participate in and that I couldn’t leave. I’m prescribed xanax now.
Anonymous Moose: Woodlands was the worst dorm I ever lived in. I was a fifth year when I got put into that hellhole. I should’ve gotten a house! Or at least a cute apartment in Asia House! But nooooo, Woodlands was “new” and “nice”, and I “should be so lucky to live there”. Well, okay Reslife, did you ever encounter the spirits of houses past??? They roam the halls at night and can slip under the dorm doors. They jumped on my bed, tore down my shower curtain, ate the pickles and peanut butter and mayonnaise in my fridge, and then possessed my awesome roommate and made him change schools!!! You should have known better than to build this stupid prison on top of old village houses! Stupid idiots! Stupid! Stupid! Give me money so I can hire ghostbusters!
Dr. G: I’ve had a lot of patients who lived in Woodlands and still come to me for therapy. Frankly, I’m sick of all their whining! They got to live with sweet little creatures and strange noises– I mean, it’s called Woodlands for a reason, ya know. It’s the jungle! These wimps just couldn’t handle it. And now, frankly, I can’t handle their crying about “trauma” from living there anymore. I’m a sex therapist, not a psychoanalyst! No one could ever be paid enough to listen to this shit! Give me my well deserved lawsuit money, you concrete ridden bastards!
