SELLING RARE NAPOLEONIC CROWN (NOT STOLEN)

by Xander Mroczek

Illustration by Rishi Shah-Nelson

Hello Facebook Marketplace! I know that this looks really awkward and really suspicious but I swear to you it's not what you think. I am selling a rare Napoleonic Era crown and it looks really awesome and has a lot of diamonds. I cannot stress this enough this is NOT the crown that was dropped in the recent Louvre heist, I did NOT find this on the ground, and I did NOT take it back home to sell it to make some money so I can fund my online gambling addiction. This rare bejeweled crown is actually a family heirloom that has been passed down from generation to generation and since I am the only member of my family left after my parents died in a tragic alligator mauling, I thought I should sell it. My grandpa actually told me stories about how Napoleon always liked to make duplicates of every piece of jewelry he made so this is actually the duplicate and NOT the one involved in the heist. If you are interested in buying this rare artifact then please contact me immediately because I don't want to hold onto it any longer, NOT because I am being tracked but because it's bringing up a lot of emotional family memories. For payment I am asking for 102 million dollars in unmarked bills and a one way ticket to Czechoslovakia, first class preferably but I will settle for Economy Plus. Serious inquiries only, contact me on my burner phone.