Fall 2026 Incoming Professor Interviews
by Xander Mroczek, Contributor
Hello, my name is Xander Mroczek and today I am putting on my newsboy cap and interviewing a panel of multiple new professors coming to Oberlin in fall of 2026. With the new AI minor being integrated, I guess Oberlin decided to buckle down and just add a bunch more stuff. Anyways, here's the interview:
XM: Hey what’s up guys, how are you all doing today?
Nobody responded to me.
XM: All good! Common courtesy would be nice but I guess not today! Let’s just go down the line and say your names please.
Dr. T: I’m Dr. Percival Tomorrow.
Prof. F: I’m Professor Carl Faradox. But people usually call me Chronos.
XM: Not me. Next?
Prof. J: I'm Professor Hugh Jass.
XM: Uh huh. And you—
Josh: I’m Josh.
XM: Professor Josh?
Josh: What? I'm not a professor?
XM: Then get the fuck out?
Josh leaves. Why was he there?
XM: Random dude interrupting my interview. Sorry about that guys. So, let’s go down the line again and say what class you’re teaching in the fall.
Dr. T: Advanced Procrastination.
Prof. F: History of the Future.
Prof. J: Poop.
XM: Sorry, did you say poop?
Prof. J: Yup.
XM: Can' t wait to hear about that. Now, Professor Tomorrow, what is Advanced Procrastination?
Prof. T: Shoot. I didn't know there were going to be questions this deep. I didn't think of a good answer for this one.
XM: Genuinely, all I'm asking is what you teach. Not really a deep question.
Prof. T: Uhhh, I guess advanced procrastination is uhhh, you know, uhhh, it's like, when you, like, you know, something about, ummm, yeah. Yeah.
There was then about five full minutes of silence.
XM: Ok then. What is the lesson plan going to look like?
Prof. T: I haven't made it yet.
XM: I figured. Professor Faradox, tell me about your class.
Prof. F: I knew you were going to ask that.
XM: Yeah, it's an interview about your class, it would be kind of crazy if I didn't ask that.
Prof. F: Well, I can see the future, and I'm going to be teaching the history of it.
XM: The history of things that haven't happened yet, interesting. Prove to me you can see the future.
Prof. F: Josh is about to come back in and ask if he left his vape in here.
Josh: Yo, did I leave my vape in here?
XM: WHAT!? THAT'S INSANE!!
Josh: I don't think it's that insane. Lots of people vape—
XM: GET OUT JOSH.
Josh: Damn. Debbie Downer over here.
Prof. F: You’ve got some nerve coming in here and interrupting MY interview! I’m coming over there and knocking some sense into you!
Professor Faradox then walked over to Josh and tried to discreetly slip him a $20. He thinks I didn't notice. I noticed. Unfortunately there are still no psychics on campus.
XM: Huh. Ok, Professor Jass. Tell me about this poop class.
Prof. J: I can give a live example.
XM: Uh, okay? What are you going to—
Professor Hugh Jass then proceeded to shit his pants.
XM: Oh. Ok. Makes sense…. Well, that's all the time I have, so, bye.
I then sprinted out of the room but slipped on Josh’s vape. Currently in the hospital with seven broken bones.
