Dr. Gags
Dear Dr. Gags,
I have a new partner who speaks no English. We communicate in gestures, and the metaphysical feelings of love, but the language barrier is beginning to become a problem. You see, we’ve been conversing with gazes, and having sex (we give each other consent with a thumbs up/down), but I think I’m falling in love. How can I tell them I love them if we don’t even speak the same language? I don’t even know what language it is they speak, anyways– they never talk. I feel guilty continuing to have sex with them because I whisper that I love them during it and they have no way of understanding, affirming, or rebuking it. Is it a violation of consent to be saying extremely important words during sex that they can’t understand? God, I feel like such a dumb stupid dimbo!
Pleadingly,
Joosihem Royds
Darling Joosihem,
Wow, your name sounds like Jerusalem, you must be holey indeed! Haha. Wink! As for your little language barrier, ya know what’s more important? A semen barrier. Wear a condom at all times kids! I hope you are doing so. Maybe you can make yourself understood in the love situation by doing interpretive dances for them while you put the condom on. I dunno. Big heart with your hands? Point at them after? Do a twirl?
Anyways, you should probably attend a consent training workshop. I just dipped into my opium stash from the 90’s and woweee am I high!
Tickled,
Gagataha
Dear Dr. Gags
I think this boy thinks me and him are dating, but I don’t know why. I don’t even speak to him and I don’t know him at all, he just kept staring at me in Stevie one day and I stared back and then he’s been attached at my side ever since. I quickly realized what was happening and thought it was fun but don’t know how to communicate to him that I’m mute. I tried to write it down but he can’t really read and I have bad handwriting. The fact of the matter is that I don’t like him, but I like having sex with him. How can I tell him that he is not a serious boyfriend, and that I don’t love him, but want to keep fucking? And how do I tell him that I don’t speak a different language, I am literally just mute? Thx.
Sincerely,
Bigwe T’bussy
Sweet Bigwe,
Ohhhhhh I see. Hmmmm. Hm. Yer gonna have to dump him. Sounds like he isn’t paying attention to your needs at ALL. If he ever, I dunno, tries to communicate his love through interpretative dance, don’t blame me! Haha, why would you? Haha. If he does that, anyways, just run away. Don’t worry about the sex stuff– you’ll either find someone else or he’ll come (cum) running to you. Boys are sooooooo easy. He sounds pretty low IQ anyways so that should make some steamy ex-sex even easier! You can find him at the consent workshop session next week. Trust me on that. I just had a vision….and I always trust my opium visions! Last time I predicted 9/11! (I was also screwing Bush around that time…)
Ciao,
Gaggi
