A Helpful Guide to Summer Internships

Written By The Grape

by Mia Bisono and Kate Weissenberger, Contributors

Let’s not sugarcoat it. It’s 2026, and the only way you’re gonna retire by age sixty is by sacrificing your last shreds of morality and applying for an internship within the Military Industrial Complex. Luckily, we’ve compiled a handy quiz to help you to expedite that pesky selection process and get those applications in as soon as possible! Be sure to circle your answers in bright red pen and post your results to your Instagram story, courtesy of Meta Platforms, Inc. 


1] What’s your major?

  1. 3+2 Engineering

  2. Philosophy

  3. Computer Science

  4. Business

  5. Musical Theater


2] Okay, but what’s your REAL major?

  1. LCD Soundsystem groupie

  2. Smoking hellaaaaa

  3. Befriending drain flies and other assorted vermin

  4. Mansplaining

  5. Pushing in the soft spots on babies’ heads

Illustration by Emma Shoaf, Layout Assistant

3] What’s your deepest, darkest secret?

  1. I say I’m from New York, but I’m actually from New Jersey

  2. My hard drive is full of un-encrypted CCTV camera footage of people’s bedrooms

  3. I slip condoms under people’s doors when I’m bored

  4. Sometimes I get the sinking feeling my life has no real purpose

  5. I still laugh when people play the Penis Game


4] What’s your top-searched tag on AO3?

  1. Mpreg

  2. Bottom Uchiha Sasuke

  3. Asian Character(s)

  4. I use Webtoon, actually

  5. Nicholas “Nick” Nelson has Golden Retriever Energy

Illustration by Emma Shoaf, Layout Assistant

5] Which Tortured Artist do you idolize?

  1. Quadeca

  2. Jean-Paul Sartre. I heard about him while watching a video essay on Neon Genesis Evangelion

  3. Gustav Mahler

  4. Lana Del Ray. “24/7 Sylvia Plath!”

  5. Sappho, god DAMN she’s so fine…χαῖρε mamacita, if you know what I’m saying. In my DR I have this forbidden romance thing going on with her. Like, I’m her pupil and she wrote those poems about me. It’s pretty great

Illustration by Emma Shoaf, Layout Assistant

6] How much do you benefit from nepotism?

  1. What? Nepotism? What do you mean, haha. I worked hard to get in here! I almost got onto the waitlist for Yale, you know…

  2. I mean, it can’t hurt to be a du Pont

  3. Daddy knows the president. It’s strictly business. So, the normal amount

  4. I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve gotten!

  5. My name doesn’t help me anymore. It’s not even one of the good names. Like, I’m not even from one of the good families

Illustration by Emma Shoaf, Layout Assistant

Now time for the results! Get ready to ctrl+f your cover letters!

Mostly A’s: Your best bet is Lockheed Martin! They’ll find your socially acceptable levels of quirk and ChatGPT University degree work ethic to be valuable assets to their company. Just keep it up and you’ll be soulless in no time!

Mostly B’s: Head on down to Raytheon. You certainly stalk people enough to dig their guided missile technology, so you’ll feel right at home. And, before you panic: yes, weed is legal in Virginia.

Mostly C’s: Palantir. You don’t even need to apply for an internship, because I know who you are, and I know you already have one. You can’t hide behind Yik Yak forever. 

Mostly D’s: You’re probably just gonna end up as a CIA intern. Don’t worry, your cubicle will start to feel like home after a little while. Be careful not to get too many opinions. You’re just doing your job, remember?

Mostly E’s: Boeing. They’ve been looking for a few more basket cases.

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