Dear Dr. Gags,
I've had a crush on this boy forever, a bisexual top who lives down the hall from me, and he's FINALLY single! Thus, I decided that Halloween would be the night that we finally find each other. So I was brewing a special love potion, with the help and advice of my friend Katrinka who is advanced in witchery, when someone came knocking at my door. We shoved the love potion in the refrigerator. It was the Tank dlec, coming to tell me it was time to put my liquor treat bowl of punch outside, and like the stupid idiot I am, I accidentally grabbed the love potion from the fridge instead!! Obviously I didn’t realize my honest mistake until later, when my crush still took no notice of me. Everyone else was trying to marry me, and I ended up in a really weird orgy. How can I reverse this spell? What should I do? Friendships are falling apart because everyone wants me!
Sincerely,
Gon O’Reah
Darling Gon,
I wish I had your problems! Gosh, what love potion did you use? I might have to call up Katrinka myself and get some of that! But no, I am still a therapist I guess. Ugh. Okay, here's some advice to “fix” your “terrible” situation: the only way to break a love spell is to go to the dumpsters behind the Feve and throw $20 into the blue one. This money is for Jill, who lives in said dumpster, and she will use the money to buy herself a case of Bapple because that is what fuels her magic, which she will then use to break your love potion’s effects! Don’t ya even worry kid—in about 5–7 business days, friendships won’t be broken because of how much people love you. They’ll be formed over how much everyone hates you!
Consider switching co-ops.
xo, Gaggi
Gags!
I believe I have just had sex with a demon! I was in Stevie, following the smell of rotten shrimp (my favorite) and it led me to the last stall in the bathroom. There, I saw a gorgeous person sitting on the toilet: a beautiful nonbinary with luscious black curls. They wrapped me up in their arms and we fondled each other and got freaky. But then it got too freaky! Post-nut, they disappeared in a puff of black smoke, and a “MWAHAHA” echoed throughout the bathroom! I’m quite concerned that I may have been chosen as a vessel for dark spirits…but also…I was chosen! ME! They must have been admiring me, and honestly I feel extremely flattered. But back to the point–how can I prevent my body from becoming possessed by evil forces?!
Best,
J. Pu-Pou
Dearest J,
Are ya sure it was a real demon? Lemme tell ya, Stevie shrimp days will make a person do crazy things! Sometimes I shit so hard after shrimp meal that I too explode into dark smoke! But if what you say is true, and it really was a demon, then here’s how ya protect yerself. First, get rid of the notion that you were chosen for some special reason–the reason is that they view you as a weak mind in a strong body. Boom! Then, make sure to cleanse your spirit by eating five cloves of raw garlic. Then go on antibiotics. A full 10-day round. That should get rid of anything malicious in yer bones! If you see this demon again, tell them yer closed for business, okay? And then fart on ’em! Fart on the demon! If ya really love shrimp as much as you say, that fishy fart will drive ’em straight back into the depths of hell!!
Queefully,
Gagatha
