Dr. Gags
Dear Dr. Gags,
This year will be my first Halloween with my boyfriend and we are beyond excited to do a couples costume. The only problem is that we have been fighting over who to dress up as for months now and we just can’t come to a decision! It’s critical because obviously the costume will dictate the sex we have later. My boyfriend really wants us to be 80s-era country singers—I would be Johnny Cash, declining in health and all tortured with my troubled Christian upbringing and my love for June and he would of course be Willie Nelson with those longggg braids showing me the true meaning of outlaw brotherhood…but the thing is that I have been longing to be a Borneo pitcher plant giving nighttime shelter to a woolly bat (my boyfriend) and feeding subtly on its nutrients (the sexual significance of which I don’t think I need to describe). Which one is better? And don’t say we can do different costumes on different nights like we haven’t already thought of that!! Once I am in a certain roleplay headspace I will need to STAY in that headspace for 48 hours at LEAST!
Sincerely,
Spunkum Nuggets
Dearest Spunkum,
As Zig Ziglar once said, “Be careful not to compromise what you want most for what you want now.” You might be thinking that is both a name and quote I completely made up but they are achingly REAL and worth a Googling—you will never guess what his actual first name was! (All right I’ll tell you! Hilary!) Anyway, Mr. Ziglar couldn’t be more right—your obvious priority is having a beautiful night with your boyfriend and you shouldn’t let something as trivial as matching costumes complicate that. Open your heart and your mind: Willie Nelson, deeply bereft at his unrequited longing for his friend Johnny Cash, wanders by an empty pitcher plant in the dusky Borneo outback…
Shivering with desire,
Gagatha
Dear Dr. Gags,
So me and my partner have been thinking about experimenting with food in the bedroom for a while now but we wanted to do something a little more original than chocolate or strawberries! With Halloween coming up, I had an epiphany based on our costumes—we are being a lemon and a lime (so cute right?!) so I thought I would serve as the sexy garnish on a literal bed of rice. But when I went to Stevie to steal some for a practice run, I was entranced by the excess of quinoa they were serving and thought I’d try that instead and now I’m literally addicted to the stuff! Besides eating it by the plateful I’ve been lathering in on myself nightly…the springy texture down below really heightens my vibrator sessions. I’m scared to tell my partner though—how should I introduce the quinoa into our sex life?
Sincerely,
Gerb Jerbsen
Gerb,
Normally I can forgive anything but this is just a bridge too far. Stevie quinoa? Never say this to me or anyone else again.
Coldly,
Dr. Gags
